Letting Go
by Imo-musume
Summary: He never complained.  Never tried to wheedle or tease confessions from me.  He was secure in himself.  He knew.   But I never told him.  WARNING: *shounen ai* content, *character death*


Disclaimer: All rights and privileges to Koko wa Greenwood belong to Nasu Yukie, Hakusensha, Studio Pierrot, Viz Media, Media Blasters and associated parties. The characters of this series are used without permission for the purpose of entertainment only. This work of fiction is not meant for sale or profit.

**Letting Go**

******************~oOo~******************

I know it as soon as I hear the telephone ring down the hall. A coldness envelops me - not the mantle of indifference I wrap myself in every day, but the icy hand of death. It pierces me. I sit transfixed as the PA system comes to life.

[Room 211. Tezuka-kun, telephone for you.]

Mechanically, I stand and walk to the end of the hall. I pick up the receiver.

It's his mother.

"Tezuka-kun." Her voice is tight. I don't need to hear more.

"Where?" I ask. My voice is calm.

"Uguisudani Hospital. Tezuka-kun -" I hear the tears she's holding back.

"Yes." I hang up. Already the wheels are turning. Shoes. Wallet. I have enough money for the fare. The subway. I should be there in twenty minutes. If I catch the train. If I run.

I know I'm not going to make it.

I should have said: "Tell him -"

No. He knows. I'm too cold, too untrusting, too used to hiding my feelings to give her a message. There's no mercy in me. He knows that. How often has it hurt him before, my unwillingness to unbend, to appear weak before anyone - even him? I left him to Nagisa's tender mercies when a simple plea would have secured his release. He never complained. Never tried to wheedle or tease confessions from me. He was secure in himself. He knew.

But I never told him.

Mitsuru. I love you. Don't leave me.

******************~oOo~******************

I arrive at the hospital only slightly out of breath. The nurse at the desk glances at me skeptically.

"Ikeda Mitsuru?" she asks. I want to tear the list of patients from her hands. I can find him more efficiently. I can -

"ER four. But you can't go there - only family -"

I take off at a dead run, not heeding her shouts.

The emergency room is awash in activity. Children screaming, doctors and nurses jabbering, gurneys being rushed this way and that. I find my way to the oasis of stillness that is his bed. No doctors or nurses cluster around him, of course. They're needed to help the living. The white curtain drawn around the foot of the bed hides him from me, but I don't need to see.

His father is sitting next to the bed, staring silently ahead. His mother and Sho stand, holding each other tightly. Sho is sobbing. I hesitate. This isn't the place for me. Neither of us should be here. He was made for sunlight and open places, not this impersonal, white-curtained space. I was made for the darkness. The lighting here is harsh and cold. Too revealing. I close my eyes.

She takes me by the hand.

"Tezuka-kun. No. Shinobu-kun. He's gone." Why is her voice so gentle? Someone should be comforting her. She embraces me. If she feels me stiffen, she doesn't indicate it. I'm not used to being touched. I force myself to relax. She's trying to include me. Trying to show me she understands. I put my arms around her.

"Thank you," she whispers in my ear. "I know you loved him too."

The words almost undo me completely. How could this woman who is no relation to either of us know what we were to each other? How could she possibly understand?

She leads me to the bed. He's covered by a sheet up to his neck. His face is flawless, of course. His most prized feature. Pale now. Waxen. No one could mistake this for sleep. I sit in the now empty chair. I can smell the blood the sheet is so primly concealing. Already it smells stale.

Silently, she ushers the others away. A moment alone.

**************** ~Interlude~ ***************

"Oi." He pokes me in the ribs. I hear the laughter in his voice.

"Shut up," I tell him, eyes closed.

"Wake up, huh, Shinobu?" I sense him leaning over me. Even though we're not touching, I feel the warmth from his skin. I open my eyes. His hair is tousled, violet eyes wide. I want to reach up and pull him down to me, but then we'd never get out of bed.

"Busy day today," he says. "The new boy's arriving this morning."

******************~oOo~******************

I reach out and smooth his hair.

"Goodbye." I kiss his cool forehead. I couldn't bear to feel his lips cold and unresponsive under mine. He was always fiery. Alive. He filled the empty places in my heart with his warmth.

Gone now.

I bow silently to his family on my way out. His father wrings my hand. His mother kisses me. They're too open. Too loving. Too accepting. For a terrible moment I almost feel hatred toward them. I fight it down. Sho stares at me, eyes dull.

******************~oOo~******************

The memorial service is a blur. All of Ryokurin Ryou files by the family awkwardly, mumbling condolences. His family sits quietly by the black-ribboned frame holding his picture. His mother must have chosen it. Instead of the expected black and white portrait of him in his suit and tie, she's chosen a photograph that was taken last summer. Mitsuru stands grinning in the sunlight, eyes squinting in the glare. He's wearing those horrible baggy shorts he loved, and the sleeves of his T-shirt are rolled up. He's barefoot in the grass.

**************** ~Interlude~ ***************

"Hey, Shinobu?"

"Aa."

"We're going to live together after we graduate, right?"

I survey him coolly. "Not if you insist upon wearing those shorts."

"What, these? You don't like them?" His face is all innocence.

"Not at all."

"Good! More incentive for you take 'em off me." He laughs at my stony expression.

******************~oOo~******************

I stay after the reception, some vague sense of incompleteness holding me back. The others are gone. Hasukawa has escorted Shun and Igarashi-san home. He's trying to be strong for them. Shun is devastated. He's spent most of the time since the accident locked in his room. His crush on Mitsuru must have been more serious than any of us realized. I feel sorry for him but there's nothing I can do. Nothing I can say.

"Tezuka-san." It's Masato. Even though we're the same age, he still treats me as if I'm older. In a way, I am. He's always been an innocent.

"Sho-kun."

He hesitates, then, as if unable to control himself, blurts: "Why?"

Why what? Why is he dead? An accident...

"Why didn't he love us? Why did he leave?"

I'm no good at this.

"Of course he loved you." My voice is flat. I can't. I wasn't made for comforting others. _**He**_ did that.

"Sho-kun, Mitsuru was abandoned. A cuckoo's egg. But your parents loved him and raised him as if he were their own. And all along he knew he wasn't. Don't you understand? Cuckoo chicks push out their adoptive siblings. He didn't want to do that to you. Maybe if you had been the elder, he might not have felt himself to be in such a position. Maybe he would have stayed." Part of the truth.

He shakes his head. "It's not just that. It can't be. Ryokurin was his life. Even when he was home I could feel him longing to be back there. What is it about that place that meant more to him than his family?"

"Perhaps he found himself there. There he could just be himself, not Ikeda Mitsuru, heir to the Kouryu Temple in Uguisudani, abandoned child. Ryokurin Ryou is good at swallowing up - erasing - our pasts. There everyone is merely a freak among freaks."

**************** ~Interlude~ ***************

"Shinobu -" His head is resting on my shoulder, his voice sleepy.

"Mmm?"

"Do you think the others suspect?"

"Probably."

A pause. Then: "Do you care?"

"Not particularly."

"Me neither." He sighs in contentment.

******************~oOo~******************

His things have been removed from our room. His half is sterile and bare. Impersonal. I didn't keep anything of his as a memento. He would have laughed. Can our relationship be reduced to a pen, a book? I stare at his empty desk and for a split second I see him there, stretching his shoulders. He turns and smiles at me - and then is gone.

I walk over and touch his chair, but I sense nothing. Not a ghost, then. Just an echo?

I lie down on my bed. I imagine the sheets still smell of him.

Oh, God. I miss him.

Weeks pass. The others stop falling silent when they see me. Stop giving me sidelong glances when they think I'm not looking. Shun starts to come out of his depression. I function efficiently, but my heart isn't in it. I shut down most of my off-campus operations.

******************~oOo~******************

"Wake up, huh, Shinobu? Busy day today." His lips are inviting. Smiling, I reach for him.

My alarm clock goes off and I wake up alone.

"The new boy's arriving this morning." I grasp desperately at the last remnants of the dream. I'm having trouble remembering his expression and the feeling of sudden panic that engenders drives it further from me.

I meet Hasukawa on the way to the Principal's office. As acting student council president and dorm president, it's our responsibility to show the new kid the ropes. Strange to have a transfer student in the middle of the school year, but Ryokuto Gakuen has a long waiting list and there's an opening now. A gaping wound.

We enter the Principal's office. He looks up, apologetically.

"Ah, Tezuka-kun, Hasukawa-kun. I'm sorry to spring this on you both in this manner, but there are extenuating circumstances..." His voice fades into a meaningless babble as the new boy turns around. I dimly hear Hasukawa gasp.

It's Sho. My new roommate.

******************~oOo~******************

None of the club representatives are there to silently greet us when we enter the dorm. Maybe it's out of respect for Mitsuru's memory. Maybe I frighten them. Maybe they just can't be bothered to recruit someone who will be with them for less than a year. We troop silently up to my room - our room.

"Ikeda-san." Hasukawa pauses, as if disturbed by the sound of the name. Mitsuru's name. Masato feels it, too.

"Please call me Sho, Hasukawa-kun."

"Um. If you'll call me Kazuya." Not Suka-chan.

"Kazuya-kun, you must be wondering why I'm here." Sho doesn't look at us.

Hasukawa is typically embarrassed. "Ah! I mean - it's not that -"

"I came because my brother loved this place. - I want to know what it was he found here... And I want to finish his degree. I know it sounds odd, but it's something I need to do."

Hasukawa clasps his hand, moved. "Sho-san. If you need anything, please come to me."

******************~oOo~******************

We sit alone in our room. Sho has brought up his suitcases and is rubbing a sore muscle in his shoulder. It's funny. It seems right that Mitsuru's brother take his place instead of a stranger - someone unacquainted with loss.

"Tezuka-san."

"Sho-kun, please call me Shinobu." The thought of Mitsuru's brother treating me like a stranger somehow disturbs me now.

"Do you blame me for coming?"

"I was surprised to see you, but no. I think Mitsuru would have liked it that you're here."

"I don't know _**what**_ he would have liked. He's been shutting me out of his life since junior high." His voice is bitter. "The stupid thing is that I never found out what it was I did wrong. We were always close as kids. And then one day, he started acting like a complete stranger. - And now I'll never know, will I?" He turns away.

I open a book and pretend to take notes while he composes himself.

"Oh, yes." He pulls a bulky package from a bag. "My mother asked me to bring this to you."

I open it. It's one of Mitsuru's sweaters. The thick green one he said he liked because it reminded him of me.

Sho smiles. "She said it will set off your eyes."

The gift of a dead person's clothes. From anyone else it would be seen as ominous, insulting or strange. From her it's a gesture of love. I run my fingers over the cabling. I remember the feel of it against my cheek. I did want something of his, after all.

"Thank you, Sho-kun. This means a great deal to me."

******************~oOo~******************

I lie awake, listening to the sounds of someone sleeping in the bunk above me. For the first time in months, I'm not alone at night.

"Sho-kun?" I whisper. No answer.

I get out of bed and cross to the window. My heart is pounding.

"It's all right," I say. "You can come out now."

Mitsuru materializes in front of me, grinning. He's wearing those damned shorts.

"Miss me?" he says, cheerfully.

I'm not sure if I want to kiss him or kill him. Not that it matters. He's insubstantial. I can't touch him. No matter how much I might want to. A multitude of responses come to mind.

"Yes," I say quietly.

He looks briefly ashamed. "Shinobu. I'm sorry. I didn't mean-"

"I know." I cut him off. "What _**is**_ one supposed to say upon returning from the dead?"

"I can't stay long. I'm just here to-"

"Say goodbye to your lover?" My voice has an unexpected edge to it. Is this ache I'm feeling anger? "You took your time about it."

"I see we've reached the 'Anger' stage. Would you care to move on to 'Bargaining'?" His eyes belie his flippant words, but I'm not letting him off the hook so easily.

"You're haunting Sho, Mitsuru, not me."

"He needed me more than you did." He shrugs. I'm not the only one without mercy after all. "- But I worked it out pretty well, didn't I? I can only haunt one person, but I figured you'd be able to see me anyway."

"Give my regards to Misako." Why am I wasting time with inanities? Why am I trying to punish him?

"Oh, she's moved on, thank goodness." He shudders.

"And you? When will you move on?"

"Hey. You're making me feel unwelcome." He raises his eyebrows at me.

"This isn't a natural state. You can't stay like this. If you try, you'll gradually lose all vestiges of humanity and become a common menace. Your father will have to exorcise you." Or I will.

"Huh. I come back from the hereafter to tell you that I love you and you threaten me with exorcism. Typical." His eyes are luminous in the moonlight. My breath catches.

I want to touch him so badly. Show him what I can't put into words.

"Mitsuru. - I wanted to be by you at the end."

"I know." His smile is wistful. "I wanted you there, too."

We gaze at each other, separated by inches. By everything.

I walk past him to the bed.

"Do you understand now, Sho?" I pull back the curtain on the upper bunk, where Masato lies awake.

******************~oOo~******************

I stand at the window. Masato sits at his desk. Mitsuru lies on my bunk, hands clasped behind his head, staring up at nothing. His tone is conversational.

"I always knew there was something - different - about me, ever since I was a kid. I just didn't know what it was until I hit junior high. And then, when I knew, I couldn't tell you. I already felt I didn't deserve the love our parents gave me. How could I hurt them by admitting I was some kind of deviant? I hated myself and I couldn't understand why they didn't hate me too. I joined a gang to make them stop loving me. I wanted them to realize they couldn't count on me. That I couldn't - shouldn't - inherit the temple. But they didn't stop loving me, and I loathed being in the gang. The cruelty and the utter pointlessness were unbearable... When you started showing an interest in joining, Sho, I knew I needed to get out. Rumors were starting about me, too. I didn't want any of that to touch you, Sho. I didn't want to cause any more grief because I was screwed up. So I decided to come to Ryokuto."

Mitsuru sighs. I remember what he was like then. Wary, distant, cold. Like me. He continues.

"At Ryokurin, though, nobody seemed to care what I was or what I had done in my past. People accepted me because of my abilities. I earned friendships. I learned to stop hating myself. And - I fell in love."

That word again. I close my eyes. I hear a chair fall over.

"What a load of **crap**!" Masato is on his feet, staring down at his brother. He slams his fists into the wood panel of the upper bunk. "You made us go through _all that_ because you were afraid of telling us the _truth_? Do you think any of us would have honestly _cared_ who you loved? Did you really think so little of us that you couldn't trust us?"

Mitsuru sits up, pity in his eyes. "Sho. I'm sorry. I never meant to hurt any of you. Especially not you. You're my brother..."

"Apparently not!" Masato makes for the door, but I am faster. I hold it closed while he pulls stubbornly on the knob, head bowed.

"Don't," I say calmly. "You'll regret it for the rest of your life if you leave." He looks at me. His blue eyes, so like his mother's - so unlike Mitsuru's violet ones - are filled with tears. "Sho. This is your last chance. He can't stay much longer. Don't waste it."

Mitsuru is standing by my shoulder.

"Shinobu..."

I look into his earnest eyes. He knows what he's asking goes against everything I am.

I can't refuse him.

"Yes."

His slender hand hesitates a moment over my heart before slowly entering my chest. I feel a ripple pass through my body.

My head falls back as I surrender myself completely to my lover's possession.

******************~oOo~******************

I'd never given my body over before this. Misako the ghost-girl recognized my ability but I couldn't allow her request to use me. It would have poisoned every kiss I shared with him from then on, no matter how amusing the thought of publicly kissing Mitsuru might have been. My need for control is absolute. But now I am handing it over freely. I need to.

I trust you.

His presence fills me, more intimately than any physical touch we've shared. It's as if every particle of my being suddenly belongs to him. He stretches out within me, gently taking command of my limbs. The warmth of his spirit fills the shell of my body.

(Hm. Kinda short, aren't you?)

(Be quick. Time's running out.)

(Aa.)

"Sho-" My voice. His inflection.

"Mitsuru?" Masato's stretched to the breaking point. We can hear it.

"Forgive me." Mitsuru embraces his brother. Sho sags against us, shaking, and we wind up on the floor. Possession drains a ghost, willing host or no, and Mitsuru is weakening fast.

"Sho, never forget that I loved you - all of you. I'm grateful for everything you've done. Take care of our parents and Grand-dad. You're the eldest, now, Masato. I'm counting on you."

(Unimaginative,) I tell him.

(He needed it, poor kid.)

He begins to withdraw from me. It feels as if tiny threads within me are stretching until they snap. Pinpricks of pain course through my body. I'm breaking...

(Mitsuru. Not yet. I haven't -)

(Shinobu. Don't give up. Be happy.)

"Mitsuru - I love you." I open my eyes as he pulls his face away from mine.

His smile is gentle. "Thank you. I love you, Shinobu."

He's gone.

******************~oOo~******************

Sho's arms are still around me, his face buried in the crook of my neck. Tears are streaming down my face. I touch them wonderingly. A last gift from Mitsuru? Or are they really mine?

I hold Sho tightly, taking comfort in his warmth.

******************~oOo~******************

I go home with Sho for winter break. It's clean-up time at Kouryu Temple before the flood of New Year's visits begins. I wear the green sweater. It fits me perfectly. Sho's mother embraces me and comments on how I've grown. It doesn't unsettle me the way it used to.

Together, Sho and I clean Mitsuru's grave and light three sticks of incense. The sweet smoke twines lazily up into the clear winter sky.

Goodbye.


End file.
